Grief and support

What grief looks like after sudden loss

Grief after a sudden death, especially one that was violent, unexpected, and preventable, often does not look like the quiet sadness people expect. It can come as anger, numbness, inability to eat or sleep, difficulty concentrating, physical pain, or a compulsive need to keep doing tasks. All of these are normal responses to an abnormal event.

You may be spending the first days filling out forms, speaking to police, managing hospital paperwork, and making calls, while running on very little sleep and almost nothing to eat. This is a kind of shock. The practical tasks can feel like the only thing keeping you upright. That is also normal.

Grief does not stay constant. Your mind will sometimes try to forget, to act normally, to carry on as if nothing happened. You may catch yourself laughing at something, or going an hour without thinking about the accident, and then feeling guilty about it. Let whatever is happening happen. Do not question it or argue with your own feelings.

Do not worry about what other people will think. If you do not cry when others expect you to, that is fine. If you smile or laugh at something, that is fine too. There is no correct way to grieve, and no feeling during this time makes you a bad person or means you loved someone less. It is all completely normal.

There is no correct timeline. There is no stage you should be at by a certain point. Do not let anyone, including yourself, set a deadline for when you should be "over it" or "back to normal."

If there are children in the family

Children grieve differently from adults. They may seem to be coping well and then break down weeks later. They may ask practical questions that seem jarring ("Who will take me to school now?") — this is not insensitivity, it is how children process loss.

Tell them the truth in plain language appropriate to their age. Children who are not told the truth often imagine something worse, or feel excluded from the family's grief, which makes it harder to process.

If a child's school performance or behaviour changes significantly in the months after the accident, speak to the school counsellor. School counsellors in government schools are available for this.

Where to get support

Managing the practical tasks while grieving

The documents and claims process can feel overwhelming on top of grief. A few things that help:

• You do not have to do this alone. The District Legal Services Authority (DLSA) provides free legal aid and can guide you through the process. A DLSA lawyer can also appear at the MACT tribunal on your behalf, so you do not need to attend every hearing.
• Delegate where you can. If there is a trusted family member or friend who is better positioned to deal with police or hospital staff, let them handle those interactions while you rest.
• Write things down. Keep a simple diary: who you spoke to, what they said, which documents you received and when. Memory is unreliable under stress, and this record will matter later.
• Do not sign anything you do not understand. Insurance agents or representatives of the vehicle's insurer may approach you early with a settlement offer. Do not accept or sign without speaking to a DLSA lawyer first. Early settlements are almost always below what a tribunal would award.

Related pages

• What to do in the first 72 hours
• Claiming compensation
• Find your District Legal Services Authority
• All helpline numbers